Safety Without Control
Tonight my daughter had a meltdown.
It started with her regular bedtime routine getting disrupted by her older sister. Unexpected changes can really throw her off. Sometimes we’re able to adapt and find something that works. Sometimes she gets stuck. Tonight was a stuck night.
She repeated the same thing over and over again. She asked me for help, but no matter what I offered, she was still frustrated. Crying. Thrashing the blankets. Hitting the pillow with her head over and over again. She was having a rough go of it.
At one point, I had to step away to keep myself regulated. That wasn’t giving up — it was choosing not to add my dysregulation to hers.
After nearly an hour, she was willing to try something different. Thank god for our puppy, Luna. As soon as she was with her, she started to calm down. We put on her current favorite movie, and she fell asleep.
Two things were true at the same time.
She was deeply dysregulated.
And I was exhausted.
Neither one of us were wrong.
But we are both human.
This isn’t about perfection or always getting it right. Sometimes I lose regulation too. We all do. That’s when repair and accountability become part of the care.
Most of us were not allowed to feel our feelings growing up. They were minimized, punished, ignored, or made inconvenient. So it makes sense that being around someone who is fully expressing theirs can be incredibly triggering.
That doesn’t mean the feelings are the problem.
As long as everyone is safe, big feelings are not dangerous, even if they are distressing. What causes harm is making those feelings wrong — rushing to stop them, control them, or discipline them out of existence. That teaches suppression, not regulation. Fear, not safety.
The goal isn’t to prevent every meltdown. Unexpected changes happen. Life happens. The work is in how we respond once we’re there.
Society often tells us that moments like this are “tantrums,” that kids need discipline to learn not to express big feelings, and that parents need to stay in control at all costs. But that confuses compliance with regulation and silence with safety.
What looks like a “tantrum” from the outside is often a nervous system in distress. What gets labeled as bad behavior is often a child who has run out of capacity.
She wasn’t trying to be difficult.
She was having a hard time.
And my job in that moment wasn’t discipline or control. It was to offer support without turning her distress into a moral failure or shaming her.
Regulation didn’t come on my time. It came when her body was ready — through a puppy, a familiar movie, and enough safety.
Comfort is not a reward. Support is not permissive. It’s regulation.
That’s what this was.
Safety without control.
Holding her humanity and my own.
I had someone ask a really thoughtful question about this that I want to take a moment to address.
When more than one child is present, support does not only belong to the child who is the most visibly dysregulated.
If another child is showing signs of distress, wanting space, or needing a break, that matters too and we respond to that. No one’s nervous system gets ignored in service of another.
Adult capacity matters. Sometimes adults do not have the regulation or support needed to hold everything at once and that is real.
When there is not enough adult capacity or attunement for the situation, changing the environment or creating distance between children can be protective for everyone involved.
I also don’t think that being around big feelings is inherently harmful. What matters most is how those feelings are held.
When a child is supported without shame, listened to, accommodated, believed, and met by a regulated adult, witnessing that can actually teach something important.
It can show that big feelings do not break safety, that distress does not lead to punishment or abandonment, and that regulation can return without anyone being made wrong.
For the child who is observing, seeing a sibling struggle and be met with care can quietly build trust in relationships and in the idea that hard moments can be met with support and do not require control or fear to resolve.
The part that causes harm is not the dysregulation itself. It is when feelings are dismissed, rushed, controlled, or treated like a problem to eliminate.
What children are really learning in these moments is not just about emotions. It is about what happens to people when they struggle and whether safety stays intact when things get hard.
To everyone who is learning and unlearning, I’m right there with you.
Sam
What did you learn about feelings growing up — and how does that show up when someone else is having big ones?
What a lucky kid! Your willingness to share your process and thoughts along the journey are very helpful to all of us
I’ve been here so many times and been told I was wrong. Thank you for putting to words what my heart feels.